Author Archives: The Author

About The Author

A freelance writer and novelist from the great tundra of Upstate New York. Writing isn't just a job or a hobby for me, it is a CREEPY, OVERWHELMING NEED. Ehem. I have a broad range of interests, and I'm the kind of geek who loves to research and learn new things, which explains why I write so many different kinds of articles. I read voraciously, also in a wild variety of genres. My local librarian can always recognize one of my reserve piles! I'm a yoga and student of Buddhism, as well as continuing my studies in literature (I WILL figure out what the hell Shakespeare is talking about WITHOUT Cliff's Notes, I swear!) I am a staunch advocate of animal and human rights as well as environmental concerns. My non-rabid vegetarianism springs from those, I think. No matter how little money I make from my writing, a portion of it goes to charity. Now if only I could remember to save most of the rest instead of spending it on books. I love "genre" tv, movies, and books -- if it's got vampires, werewolves, or other paranormal fun in it, I'll read it. I stand proud to be a dark fantasy and paranormal romance writer. Vampires 4EVA!!! I don't know what else is left to say, but if you'd like to know more, you can check out my blog and social media! Stay tuned... I can always babble more. Which I guess it what a blog is for!

Sorry Iz Been Gone So Long…

Me an Cat Mama been bizee wit summer nappin. Itz veree important to get naps in summer cuz itz so hot and we go FUR U NOE! So we sleepz all the day xsept at nite and reelee earlee in da mornin when we runz aroun a lot. The Peeples don like that too much, cuz dey alwayz sleepin wen we runnin arownz, and busee wen we sleepin! Wats up wit dat?

Peeples is weerd.

Anywayz, besidez da nappin, summer iz fun cuz of all da BUGS! We got dis window in da basement (Peeple Mama callz it da pit) where I gardz da bak yard wen i not sleepin. Peeple Mama callz dat winnow da wun wit da “g*ddam screen” cuz me an Cat Mama alwayz pullin at it. DATZ CUZ OF DA BUGZ! The get in threw the winnow, an day’r de kewl onez dat hop arown all over the plase. So me an Cat Mama likez playin wit dem, and den sometimez we eatz dem. Der’z da usual leggy bugz and flyin bugs and stinky bugz too. De g*ddamn screen is a gud place to watch da birdeez and da squrrels and CHIPMUNK!!!! I hatez chimpunkz, and da g*ddam screen a gud plase to keep an eye on der EBIL PLANZ.

Oh, wun nite der was dis thing Peeple Mama called a racoon dat lookd like a reely fat cat, an it was stannin on top of da birdie feedie thing, jus lookin at me! I howled and howled and tryed to jump thru the g*ddam screen like a BILLION timez but I cuddn’t get thru. Da rakoon finally runned away. THEN my arch nemisis DAT BLAK KAT started commin RITE UP TO MY HOWSE, like THREE TIMEZ, an wonse he even CAME UP TO DA G*DDAM SCREEN TO LOOK INTO THE PIT! U better beleeve I wuznt havin any of DAT! So I tryed to jump thru da screen again, an I hissd and I growld and I howld but it still dint work. At least DAT BLAK KAT got da message after dat an started goin thru the bak of da yard agin and stayin away from MA HOWSE.

See, I’m a gud guard cat. Datz ma job.

Anyway, it’z gettin hot, so I better get to sleep. Laterz!

Elsie

Pee Ess: I know I gotta change mah banner thingy. Hooz got da time?

Categories: Juss Stuffz, Oh Hai | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hay we godded r prizez!

Member howz I told u how me an MC wonz dat awsum bed frum dat awsum Catsperella? Well we GODDED IT! ITZ SO KOOL!

Course MC an mee fawt an fawt ober it, speshully wen MP put a tun of da nip inside, but I TOETZ WON.

See, heer we jus discobberin it and goin “Hey, dats got NIP IN IT!”

Iz way in da bak, MC at da front.

And den we was both all lyk “OMG DIS SO KOOL IZ LYK SKWISHEE CAYV WIT NIP IN IT!” An I wuz all “IZ MINE YOU GOT DAT NEW FEDDER MOWZIEZ NIP TING!”

See? Dis spozd to b fur bot ob us but she toetz tookz it.

An she’s all “It’s supposed to be for both of us.” An I’m all “U cant eben fit ur fat butt in der!” An shez all “Wanna bet?”

See she cant eben fit shez so fat.

So gess wat? I WIN! Sumtyms I letz her playz wit it too, but mostly iz myne. YAY!

IZ FICTORYUS!

If u lykez ma new bedz, u shud totez go to JennasRedRhino Etsy Shop. She gotz ma bed an lotz of ubber kool stuffz too! TANK YOU CATSPERELLA!

Anywayz so MP sez she godda yewz da compuder. I cant wayt till she getz da Kindle Fyr she sayz she wantz, cuz den we can bot ryt when we want. So Kthnxbai.

Fishy stuff,

Elsie

Categories: Hollydayz, Toyz n Prezziez | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Happi Hollidayz!

We dint get to haz ny gud fud yestrday cuz grampa had to wurk. MP and Gramma wuz reel madz dat peepl had to shop on Tanksgibbin, and dat ment Grampa dint get to haz no Tanksgibbin.

Iz mad too, cuz dat me mee an MC dint get to hab no Tanksgibbin eeber. You knowz we likez the Terkee, and da stuffin wit da pig meet, an… well we like all da stuffz reely. MP gabe us a liddl pig meet frum the samwiches she an Gramma had since day cuddnt hab reel Thanksgibbin. I dunno why peeples got to shop on holidayz. Or at all reeleez. U can jes getz on da intarwebz and byez stuffz! Blak Frydayz is stoopid an it hurts peeples who workz hard cuz dis is one ub da only timez day getz to spendz wit us kittehs!

O hay! Gess wut! Me and MC wonz a prize from Castparella.com, wun ub ar faborit kitteh blogz! Itz dis rilly kewl bed (dats toetz gonna b myn, by de way!) thas lyk a big fuzzi ball wit a hole in it to snuggl in! U gotta look to beleeb it! Iz so kewl, and I really exsyted! Tank u so much to Stephanie, Charlie and Priscilla for the grate gift! I desydid I reely likz dis Krismess ting! I alwayz lyket da hollydayz, wat wit all da foodz and stuffz, but I tink nowz Iz startin to seez a PREZZY PATTRN! Me and MC get lossa new toyz wen it getz old owtsyd!

The Cat Ball Modern Cat Bed

Datz not mee in da ball, but me an MC wunded wun! Tanks, Catsparella!

U cant beet dat! MP sez we eben gotz MOR prezziez comin soon! W00t!

So how wuz ur Tanksgibbin?

Categories: Hollydayz | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

I entermewz ma Cat Mama.

Oh hai. I gotz a spshul gest today. Itz ma bio mom, Mama Cat. The peeples callz her Sharlot, but MP callz her Tubbie or Big Mama too cuz shez fat.

MC: Watch it, kid.

Elsie: Well you toetz r. Wenebber we fitez u sitz on mee. An den u bitez mee.

MC: You’ve got legs that are ten feet long you use to kick me, so I have to do something. And don’t talk like you don’t bite plenty.

Elsie: Nywayz. Hai MC how u today?

MC: *sigh* Why do you type like that? It’s stupid.

Elsie: ITZ DA WAYZ I TALKZ! WHY U AWAYZ ON MY BAK?

MC: You should have moved out by now and had your own place. I weaned you two years ago. You’re too clingy.

Elsie: M NOT! Iz cold cuz I’m not FLUFFEE AND FAT LIKE YOU. So I gotzta cuddlz to stayz warm!

MC: This is not an interview, just so you know. Don’t you learn anything from all that daytime TV our people watch? All you’re doing is insulting me and complaining.

Elsie: Fine. So MC, tellz mee abowtz urslf.

MC: I’m a cat. I was adopted from The Joint. I like to sleep a lot, and eat. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and I don’t like to cuddle.

Elsie: Datz not all.

MC: What else do you want me to say?

Elsie: Howz abowt howz u try to dig outz of da inside rain ting?

MC: It’s called a bathtub. The water is a called a shower. I’ve told you this.

Elsie: Watevs. U not anser da kweshtun. Why u tink u can get owt tru da inside showr ting?

MC: I’m not answering that. It’s a stupid question.

Elsie: Sewz u do tinkz u can escapz dat way. I taut u sayz u don wanna lib owtsydz agin?

MC: I don’t want to live outside. It’s the principle of the thing. And I’m not trying to get out through the bathtub… it’s just fun to run in place there.

Elsie: Uh huh. Wat abowt dat freek owt u do wit da milk bottle top tings?

MC: They fly around. What am I supposed to do?

Elsie: Dey only flyz when u trows dem.

MC: Will you stop typing like that?

Elsie: No. Itz ma blog. I typz howz I want. Wy u so meen to mee all da tym? U always beet mee up.

MC: Please. You give as good as you get. You always ambush me in the living room, and everywhere I go, you use me as a hurdle to jump over. What’s that about?

Elsie: I dunno. Iz dizturbd cuz u abuz me I tink.

MC: *Rolls her eyes* Yes, I abuse you. That’s why I didn’t eat you at birth, fed you until you could eat solid food, and trained you to be the best hunter in the house.

Elsie: BUT U DON LUB ME!

MC: Kid, we’re cats. We’re adult cats. We tolerate each other, sometimes we squish together for warmth, but that’s it. Hey, I still clean your ears and your butt when you stand still, I think you’ve got it pretty good.

Elsie: I haytz u.

MC: This is a terrible interview. Ellen would be ashamed.

Elsie: O! I lubz Ellen! She haz dem aminal videoz on! I lubz aminal videoz! Dem catz is silly. And Goggies is stupid.

MC: I like Maru. I completely get his box thing.

Elsie: O mee too! Xsept I lykz Luna the fashuneesta. She warz dem preddi dressez!

MC: You want our people to put us in dresses? You had a conniption when they tried to put those little antlers on you for their paper thing. And you almost ripped Gramma’s face off when she tried to put the Santa hat on you.

Elsie: I dint sayz I wantd to ware dem! I just lyke dem. She preddi kitteh. I lykz udder kittehs wit blogs too lyk Romeeoh and Dazee da Curlee Cat. O yah! I ment to askz u: is Harlee my Daddy Cat?

MC: *Gives her a look* I’m pretty sure they live in another state. And I think Harley might be the same age as you, or close to it.

Elsie: I tink uz LYIN! I tink uz jus don wanna amit that MP is rite and u a floozi befor dey gib u da owchie sleep.

MC: I hate that word. I wasn’t a floozy, or a slut, or a whatever other stupid human word you want to use. I’m hot, and back then I didn’t have the ouchie surgery, so I was just doing what comes naturally. At least now I won’t have anymore kids.

Elsie: Hay!

MC: I had others besides you, you know. I don’t remember how many, but it was a lot. Believe me, it’s not easy. You were spared that by having the ouchie surgery before you got horny.

Elsie: U shuddnt talkz dat wayz arnd ur kidz!

MC: You’re almost 4. You’re not a kid anymore. Deal.

Elsie: I haytz u.

MC: You said that already. I’m going back to sleep. Don’t quit your day job. You’re a terrible interviewer. *waddles away*

Elsie: SHE SO MEEN! I HATEZ HER! *pouts* Nywayz, nao u nos how I get ma spellin problemz. Itz toetz cuz Iz neglektd. She nebbr eben sendz mee too skool!

MC: *from a distance* That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Cats don’t go to school. School is for goggies, and that’s only because they’re stupid.

Elsie: I notz intrbewin u nymor! Go awayz!

MC: Whatever.

Elsie: I needz ta go reed sum LOLCatz. Dey alwayz makez me feelz bettr. See u laytr.

MC: No wonder your spelling is so bad, you read that crap all day.

Elsie: SHUT UP NAO!

Categories: Entermewz | Tags: , | Leave a comment

De Mowsiez Ishu.

Itz gettin cold, soz the mowsiez (aka mices) gettin in da howse agin. Dey smelli and skweeki, but deyr ma fabrit toyz to playz wit. I gotz speshul spotz I wachez wayr I noz dey goz, likez ober da big skwayr rolli bumpi tings da ppls put der skinz in. (I dunno wy. Itz jus lyk howz dey don kleen demselbs by likkin deyr fur witz deyr tungs. IT DON MAYKZ NO SENS!) Neewayz, wen I sitz on da shelf ober the rolly clunki tings, da mowsies go by ober ma hed. So I pullz dem down and go YAYZ! cuz I lykez ta playz wit da mowsies I cachez!

Derez anodder plase in da room were da fyrbox is, WAY up on top of da big ting dat look lik a canz wit hawt waterz in it, an da mowsies run up der too so wen ders a fyr in da cold tym I canz go in der and cach dem.

So nywayz, de udder nitz I waz on top of da clunky rolli bumpi ting an I GODDED A BIGG HEWG MOWSIE! I MEEN LYK DA BIGGES MOWSIE I EBBER SEEN! So I jumpz down to playz wit it, an it godded awayz, but den I cowt it agin, and den MP saw mee an did dat passib abbresib ting she duz wer she goez all “GOOD GIRL! DROPZ IT! OKAY, GOOD GIRL! GOOD HUNTER! NOW LET IT GO!”

An she chaysez mee all arownd and trys to cach me, and da first tym dat happen I tink, “Oh yay, Momma Person lyks ta playz wit mowsies too!” BUT SHE TOTEZ DUZNT! You no wha she duz? SHE LETZ DEM GO! She taykz dem outsidez and if dey dint go all stillz wile we was playin, she letz em goz, but if dey went all ded wen we wuz playin, she BERRIES DEM. WHY UD U BERRY A PURRFEKLY GUD MOWSIE!? Eben if it no goodz fur playin anymorez, u can still EATZ IT. Sheesh.

So I caches dis big fat mowsie, and MP jumps up and duz her Pass-Agg ting and chasez me arownd, but I NOT LETTIN HER HAZ MAH MOWSIE! So I runnin, an runnin, an runnin, and den Mama Cat cums ober an “halpz” wich just meens stannin her fat butt der and laffin at mee and goin “Just let it go, kid,” and Iz all NO WAYZ DIS IS MAH MOWSIE! But den ya noz wat? I WAZNT PAYIN ATTNSHUN, AN I DROPD DA MOWSIE! IT RAN AWAYZ! An wen I wen ta go getz it MP PIKZ ME UP AND PETZ ME AND SHE’S ALL “WHUT A GOOD GRL.” BUT I KNOWZ ALL SHE DOIN IS HOLDIN ME BACK SO DA MOWSIE CAN GET AWAY!

I donz undrstnz peepls, I jes don.

O! An u no wat elz? MP had littl bird wings fer seknd brkfst 2day and she DINT SHAYR ANY! MEEN! MPz as meen as my bio mom.

Bes prt of da day wuz wen I got ta tayk a napz on top of Grammaz dhewmiddifyr. Datz nys. Itz warm and goz hmmmmmmmm. Much nyser dan my bio mom.

Categories: Juss Stuffz | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Sup?

Iz kinda bizzy tuday. Derz a lotz of stuffz goin on in da back yard! Ders da skwirls and leebs (which MP sez rnt alive, jus stuffz dat felld off da treez. Watevs dey moovs lyk dey alyv to mee!) and CHIPMUNKZ. Remin mee to tellz u abt why I hatz the CHIPMUNKZ so much. Dey meen, letz put it dat way. So I gotz to wach dem reel close to mayk shur dey don get in ma HOWSE. Mices r bad enuff. Dey pretty dum tho, so I can kach dem pretty eezy. CHIPMUNKZ IS CLEBBER AND MEAN AND DEY TEEZ MEE ALL DA TYMEZ! Dey sitz owtsyd da window and go “Chip chip chip chip chip chip chip” lyk, FOREBBER, and day NEVER STOPZ ALL NYTE LONG!

Nywayz, I been sittin on da seller stares all mornin wachin the yard for CHIPMUNKZ and stuffz, so I got tyrd fastr dan I uzuly do. I tukz a prtty long snuz on MPz lap wit da fuzzy blanket. Pppl don undrstndz how hardz I wurk arownd heer! Weed b obbrunn by mices and CHIPMUNKZ and doz chirpy bugz dat crunch when u nom dem if I wuznt such a gud huntr!

MC duzznt do NO huntin. She sez she payd her dooz wen she libbed outsydz. She had her “shayr” of huntin! Lyk u can ebber be dun huntin! Da only tym MC helpz iz when I put da mices in da inside rain ting and we wach it run around and skweek befor we playz wit it. Sumtimz I put it in a box insted and MC likez dat too. MP says we like ebbil nazzis of da kitteh wurld cuz we “torchur” annoyin aminalz like mices and bugz. I don no wat a nazzi is but it sownz stoopid, an we not ebbil, we jes habbin funnz. Dey jus mices and bugz! Dey fud! Nuting rong wit playin wit ur fud, ifz u askz mee.

So Iz tuk a nap allreddi an I don no how Iz gonna tayk my reglar nap laytr! I gess Iz gonna haff ta runz arownd alot an mebbe clym da wallz sum. Dat allwayz tyrz mee owt.

OMG I SAWZ A BIGG LEEB! IT WEN FLYIN INTO DA WINNOW AN I JUMPD OUDDA MPz LAP AN RAN STRAYT INTO DA WINNOW TO KATCH IT — SMAK!!! beefor I membrd dat the winnow was der. I totez ment to do dat. It skard away da leef nywayz. DAM LEEBZ!

OK I gotzta go bak to da starez so I can keep my eyz on da winnow. Itz gonna be a loooooong day, I can tellz.

Dis mee takin a napz.

Dis mee takin a napz tooday.

Categories: Juss Stuffz | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh hai.

Im Elsie, dis iz my blog. Mama Person sez I talks so much I shud haz one. I dunno, tiping iz hard. But I likz other catz blogs I seez arownd I thinkz I cud do dat too!

I dunno, Mama Person nevvr duz her blog, she not a gud roll model. I shud try to du better dan her. I kewlr anywayz. MP writz abowt boreing stuffz. Xsept sumtimes she writz abowt catz, and dat is kewl. I don likez it wen she writz abowt goggies, tho. Goggies are stoopid and day smell bad. I member from da joint.

I wuz born in da joint ya know! Mama Cat sayz wez lucky we fownd peeples we wanted to lib wit. Sum catz don’t getz to haz peeple, and dey has to kach deyr own fewd! I meanz, I likes kaching mices, but I wuddn’t wanna EAT dem! Deyz for playing! Mama Cat sayz wen she libbed outsidez, she hadda katch her own fewd all da timez! She atez birdz and mices and chipmunkz (I HATEZ CHIPMUNKZ!) and watteber she cud katch. She sez it wuz kold and sumtimez SHE GOTTED WET! OMG thatz skery. I hatez gettin wet. When MP getz in dat ting where she makez the rain fall inside, I alwayz clime up on da wipe off thing and yell “GETZ OUTTA DER MAMA PERSON! YOU GET WET!” but she alwayz laffs at me. I gess dey have to makez da rane fallz inside cuz dey don likk demselvs wif deyr tung, wich is stoopid.

Den agin, peeples don smell too much bedder dan goggies, so I gess I wuddnt wanna lick myself eidder if I smelld dat bad.

So dats mah frst post. I gotta go tayk a nap nao. Kthxbai.

Categories: Juss Stuffz, Oh Hai | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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