I entermewz ma Cat Mama.

Oh hai. I gotz a spshul gest today. Itz ma bio mom, Mama Cat. The peeples callz her Sharlot, but MP callz her Tubbie or Big Mama too cuz shez fat.

MC: Watch it, kid.

Elsie: Well you toetz r. Wenebber we fitez u sitz on mee. An den u bitez mee.

MC: You’ve got legs that are ten feet long you use to kick me, so I have to do something. And don’t talk like you don’t bite plenty.

Elsie: Nywayz. Hai MC how u today?

MC: *sigh* Why do you type like that? It’s stupid.


MC: You should have moved out by now and had your own place. I weaned you two years ago. You’re too clingy.

Elsie: M NOT! Iz cold cuz I’m not FLUFFEE AND FAT LIKE YOU. So I gotzta cuddlz to stayz warm!

MC: This is not an interview, just so you know. Don’t you learn anything from all that daytime TV our people watch? All you’re doing is insulting me and complaining.

Elsie: Fine. So MC, tellz mee abowtz urslf.

MC: I’m a cat. I was adopted from The Joint. I like to sleep a lot, and eat. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and I don’t like to cuddle.

Elsie: Datz not all.

MC: What else do you want me to say?

Elsie: Howz abowt howz u try to dig outz of da inside rain ting?

MC: It’s called a bathtub. The water is a called a shower. I’ve told you this.

Elsie: Watevs. U not anser da kweshtun. Why u tink u can get owt tru da inside showr ting?

MC: I’m not answering that. It’s a stupid question.

Elsie: Sewz u do tinkz u can escapz dat way. I taut u sayz u don wanna lib owtsydz agin?

MC: I don’t want to live outside. It’s the principle of the thing. And I’m not trying to get out through the bathtub… it’s just fun to run in place there.

Elsie: Uh huh. Wat abowt dat freek owt u do wit da milk bottle top tings?

MC: They fly around. What am I supposed to do?

Elsie: Dey only flyz when u trows dem.

MC: Will you stop typing like that?

Elsie: No. Itz ma blog. I typz howz I want. Wy u so meen to mee all da tym? U always beet mee up.

MC: Please. You give as good as you get. You always ambush me in the living room, and everywhere I go, you use me as a hurdle to jump over. What’s that about?

Elsie: I dunno. Iz dizturbd cuz u abuz me I tink.

MC: *Rolls her eyes* Yes, I abuse you. That’s why I didn’t eat you at birth, fed you until you could eat solid food, and trained you to be the best hunter in the house.


MC: Kid, we’re cats. We’re adult cats. We tolerate each other, sometimes we squish together for warmth, but that’s it. Hey, I still clean your ears and your butt when you stand still, I think you’ve got it pretty good.

Elsie: I haytz u.

MC: This is a terrible interview. Ellen would be ashamed.

Elsie: O! I lubz Ellen! She haz dem aminal videoz on! I lubz aminal videoz! Dem catz is silly. And Goggies is stupid.

MC: I like Maru. I completely get his box thing.

Elsie: O mee too! Xsept I lykz Luna the fashuneesta. She warz dem preddi dressez!

MC: You want our people to put us in dresses? You had a conniption when they tried to put those little antlers on you for their paper thing. And you almost ripped Gramma’s face off when she tried to put the Santa hat on you.

Elsie: I dint sayz I wantd to ware dem! I just lyke dem. She preddi kitteh. I lykz udder kittehs wit blogs too lyk Romeeoh and Dazee da Curlee Cat. O yah! I ment to askz u: is Harlee my Daddy Cat?

MC: *Gives her a look* I’m pretty sure they live in another state. And I think Harley might be the same age as you, or close to it.

Elsie: I tink uz LYIN! I tink uz jus don wanna amit that MP is rite and u a floozi befor dey gib u da owchie sleep.

MC: I hate that word. I wasn’t a floozy, or a slut, or a whatever other stupid human word you want to use. I’m hot, and back then I didn’t have the ouchie surgery, so I was just doing what comes naturally. At least now I won’t have anymore kids.

Elsie: Hay!

MC: I had others besides you, you know. I don’t remember how many, but it was a lot. Believe me, it’s not easy. You were spared that by having the ouchie surgery before you got horny.

Elsie: U shuddnt talkz dat wayz arnd ur kidz!

MC: You’re almost 4. You’re not a kid anymore. Deal.

Elsie: I haytz u.

MC: You said that already. I’m going back to sleep. Don’t quit your day job. You’re a terrible interviewer. *waddles away*

Elsie: SHE SO MEEN! I HATEZ HER! *pouts* Nywayz, nao u nos how I get ma spellin problemz. Itz toetz cuz Iz neglektd. She nebbr eben sendz mee too skool!

MC: *from a distance* That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Cats don’t go to school. School is for goggies, and that’s only because they’re stupid.

Elsie: I notz intrbewin u nymor! Go awayz!

MC: Whatever.

Elsie: I needz ta go reed sum LOLCatz. Dey alwayz makez me feelz bettr. See u laytr.

MC: No wonder your spelling is so bad, you read that crap all day.


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